New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
