How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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