What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
