shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
there was a trapeze. enough said
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Randomize
