I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
