But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
