You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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