come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Randomize
