Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Randomize
