Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
