I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
