Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
