i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
