stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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