I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
