my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
