its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
