Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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