Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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