Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
