Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
