sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
