ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
