News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just blew my weed a kiss
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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