Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
