There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
where does the pee come out of this thing
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
