so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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