He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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