Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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