I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He has the fingertips of a God
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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