I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Sext me about skeletons
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
