I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
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