sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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