I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
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