I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
