If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
