Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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