So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
