Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize