the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
