dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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