No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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