I didn't shave. On purpose
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
