my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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