btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
