i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize