he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I just googled if crying burns calories
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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