Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
