She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
