i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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