my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
