paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
