I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
