I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
