Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
