The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
