I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Success! We fucked roommates!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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