Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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