3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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